Twilight Parody
by labyrinth of chaos
Summary: Twilight: Winner of 29 Sue Academies Including: Best Sue, Best Stu, Best Supporting Stu, Best Generic Cliche, Most use of description on one Stu and many many more! My satirical parody on twilight, completed only with the help of Mary Sue herself.
1. Chapter 1

Twilight: Winner of 29 Sue Academies

(Including: Best Sue, Best Stu, Best Supporting Stu, Best Generic Cliche, Most use of description on one Stu and many many more)

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or anything associated with it (Thank God)

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Once upon a time not so long ago, there was a very boring, plain looking girl named Sara. She lived with her mother, in Texas, but because she was slightly albino, she had to stay in doors for most of her days. As a result, she became an avid gamer, spending days on end in front of her TV going through all the Final Fantasy games.

"W-WHAT?!!!!"

"What do you mean what? I'm writing a story here."

"WHERE'S her perfection? What's with this lame video game addiction?! She sounds like every other boring ass girls in this world! No one would want to read that crap!"

"R-really?"

"Duh. Do I have to spell everything out for you? God what would you do if you didn't have me around to tell you want to do."

"I...I don't know."

"Ok, now try again. Fix the name, what's with Sara? She's the MAIN CHARACTER for god's sake. Go for something fancy that really suites her perfect personality."

"o-ok."

Her name was......was Isabella. She had perfect pale skin like the color of moonshine, and beautiful sparkling blue eyes like gemstones. She didn't like her mother's new man much, but she kept it inside of her, because she knew how much her mother had wanted to move on, and find new happiness. In fact they had already made plans to move to Florida, another sunshine filled state. She sighed dejectedly to herself, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. She had to get away. Maybe.....maybe she could run away and start her own sandwich shop. She was really good at making sandwiches.

"Ehem."

"Yes?"

"Sandwich shop? What is this? The Fresh Sandwich Princess of Belair?"

"Well I thought it would be different, so she could fall in love with the ice cream boy with the freckles across the street."

"Don't talk anymore, you're corrupting my sanity. No cutesy ice cream boys."

"But-"

"That's final! Go back to Bella, you haven't said anything about her."

Bella found herself staring into the mirror. She had her mother's full cherry lips, and perfectly arched eyebrows. Her long auburn hair hung in full waves framing her slender face. She had her dad's nose, thin and straight. That's it! She could stay at her dad's place, so that she wouldn't have to endure another moment of being with Tom, her mother's new clutch. She hasn't seen her dad in a while, it wouldn't be so bad. He was probably terrible lonely without anyone there for him. The more she thought about it, the better the idea seemed.

".....blah blah blah. Cut to the good parts already, you're writing a fan fiction not a novel."

(Fast forward)

"Hey dad," Bella said upon seeing her father. He looked tired, and older than she last remember. But his warm smiled eased the tension in her heart. "It's good to see you again."

"Its good to see you too love. Come here, I've a got present for you."

Bella followed her father to the front of the house.

"Tada!" her father exclaimed pulling the tarp off an old iron bike. "I wanted you to have this. This well help you get into shape, you're looking kind of flimsy, and fat around the waist. I used it when I was in college, best years of my life."

Bella looked at the rusting bike, and tried her best to smile, "Erm thanks dad, but you didn't have to say that I was fat."

Her father laughed and patted her on the shoulders, "Your mom tells me all you do is sit on the couch and eat junk food. Don't be ashamed of a little weight. I'll help you get into the habit of exercising and you'll be fit as fiddle in no time."

".......you'll be fit as fiddle in no time. Aw, what a nice considerate father. WTF?! What is she doing being FAT?!!"

"Uh, well when you don't exercise and eat a lot, that's what happens right? Besides, she'll get really thin, and then the boys will all like her, and then she'll be like I used to look like this."

"Yeah, and then she's going to open her Jenny Craig store, because she's just the cutest inspiration in this world."

"umm.......what do you suggest?"

"Shove aside. Never send an ordinary girl to do a Mary Sue's Job. Watch and learn n00b."

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A/N: Funny idea that came into my head. I really hate twilight, so what better ways to vent hatred than to haveamassivedestructiveterroristwar I mean write a parody? LOL All reviews welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: OK, so I don't remember the story exactly since I don't have it, so something might be terribly off. But whatever it was done in the spirit of fun. Just go with it.

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The alarm blared beside her bed. She rolled over slowly, and pressed the off button. Today was the day. It was a new school, and a new life at Forks, with her dad. What if they don't like her? She was never as pretty and popular as some girls were in Texas. Maybe they'll just stare at her, like she's a freak. She looked out the window, only to be greeted by dark swirling clouds, not a hint of sunlight peaked through. She sighed, and got dressed, pulling a soft cashmere sweater over her tank top, and a pair of jeans. It was her favourite sweater with the prettiest flowers embroidered on the bottom.

"Morning Charlie," she said as entered the kitchen with her bag slung over her back.

"Hey Bella. Here's some money for lunch, and some toast for the morning," he said with a smile, placing a plate of food in front of her. She ate the toast as fast as she could, then she bolted out of the house.

"See you later! Have a good day at work!" she shouted behind her.

"Whoa there girl, hold up!" Charlie yelled through the door.

Bella turned around and look back expectantly. "What is?" she asked, her eyes brimming with curiosity.

"You forgot your keys," Charlie said dangling a set of keys in one hand.

Bella shook her head with a smile, "Thanks Charlie. Hey wait," she exclaimed as her eyes grew wide, "Th-this is a car key."

Charlie smiled slightly, "Sorry love, I got it back last night. It's all yours."

Bella ran outside to see an old pickup truck sitting smugly in the drive way.

"I thought it might be more useful than the bike," Charlie stammered, a little embarrassed.

Bella turned around and gave him a hug. "I love it. Thank you!" she exclaimed.

Charlie smiled, "Alright enough. Off to school with ya."

Bella leaped into truck turned on it's clanking engine and zoomed off.

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"Hey what's wrong with the bike?"

"What do you mean what's wrong with the bike? It was S-T-U-P-I-D that's what."

"Well an old pickup truck isn't that much better...."

"Hm, well I was going to for a Porsche but it really didn't fit in with your soooo boringly average excuse of father. Don't worry, by the time this story is done, there WILL BE A PORSCHE. Just not now."

"Ok, well I think I'm getting the hang of it, so let me write some."

"Fine, but if you mess it up, you WILL be evicted. Oh and make sure you mention how smart she is."

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As Bella pulled into the parking lot she recited all the books that she had read back at her old school. "Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Frankenstein..." English was her best subject so she knew at least she was going to do well in something. Maybe if they had the same projects she could get her mom to mail her old ones to here. The school was super ordinary, and horribly small. The students were as plain and as uninteresting as the little down that it was situated in. Bella felt her face fall as she parked the truck and stumbled out, dropping her back pack in the process. All of her books tumbled out onto the wet grass. She swore under her breath, she was so clumsy.

"Here," said someone who offered her one of her books.

"Thanks," she replied hastily snatching the book away. Then she stopped and looked up. The most horrid looking boy stared back at her with a lopsided grin. Half of his face was covered in acne and there were strings of saliva between his braces. "Erm..."

"Oh, that was rude of me, my name is [It's unimportant. Everyone forgets anyways, lets refer to him as Loser Boy#1]. I haven't seen you around, are you new?"

Bella closed the car door behind her, and smiled back, "Uh sort of. Look you're really grossing me out, so I'm going to go. Please don't talk to me again. Bye!" she exclaimed hurriedly trying to get away from the disgusting boy as fast as she could.

"STOOOOPPPP!"

"What? I'm building it up! See there's the nasty boy and THEN there will be prince charming who will be Bella's real love."

"Ok, how do I put this...... I got it. So if you are the main girl of the story you must display matureness at all times, and even if there is that thing of a repulsive boy, she must still be kind and generous or at least pretend to be. You can't just come out and say it. God, that's just so mean."

"Oh, you're right. That poor boy did help her out.... OH! He could fall in love with her, but she doesn't like him, and then he convinces her because he's really nice inside and, and..."

"NO. Absolutely not."

"B-But he could be really charming and nice inside, and then she can get him some acne cream, and he really isn't that horrible looking right?"

"Who would want to read a story about UGLY people?! God have you been living under a rock?! The main character always falls in love with beautiful people. I mean there would be no plot if there were no beautiful people. She can be stuck in love circles with multiple beautiful people, but they ALL have to be BEAUTIFUL. Ok?"

"I guess....."

"OK?!!"

"Ok, ok, I got it."

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Bella closed the car door behind her, and smiled back, "Uh sort of. Look you're really grossing me out, so I'm going to go. Please don't talk to me again. Bye!" _is what she wanted to say,_ but she was going to start at a new school, and she didn't want people to have a bad impression of her. So instead she said, "Yea, I am. I just moved here."

"Wow really? Where from?" Loser Boy#1 asked as they walked towards the school.

"Texas," Bella replied.

"Really? Wow it must have been really hot there!"

"Yeah it was, it's impossible to go outside in the summer."

The school bell rang, and Bella quickly asked for directions to her new classroom. It was pretty easy to find, since their school was only one story high. She lingered at the doors felling extremely awkward, as everyone filed in. That was when she saw him. He walked past her, barely giving her a glance. She could feel her heart lurch in a craze pound of excitement. He was breathtakingly beautiful; certainly he wasn't human, for his beauty belonged to the imaginary world of picture perfect super models.

She felt her eyes linger on his well built frame, from his gorgeous strong shoulders down to the small of his back. He was wearing a think black shirt with its long sleeves rolled up to his elbow, and faded jeans, a woven string bracelet around his sinewy arm.

"You must be the new student," a voice said from behind her making Bella jump.

"Y-yes," she stammered. "I am."

"Well come on in," the teacher said with a smile, beckoning her into the classroom. "Class we have a new student with us, her name is," the teacher looked down and checked the slip of paper in his hand, "Isabella Swan."

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A/N: hmm so the mary-sue continues to rampage. Seriously I don't remember any of the side characters names at all.


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